Friday, April 16, 2010
100 posts. Here we are. Meaning including the 1st post and this post, 98 people have been Sasha-ized. Better than being sodomized if you ask me. Here are some inquiries that just never got a response. But first, here is the first letter I ever wrote from 2004 back before email was around. Back when you had to use a typewriter, physically type out your letter, then put it in an envelope, PAY to send it, and drop it into one of those blue, antiqued boxes that sit at the corner of the block.
Dear Pizza Hut:
I visited your restaurant on January 23 around 7:00 p.m. I was just returning from a fabulous trip on the East Coast. I visited New York where I participated in a golf tournament, making $5,000 for finishing 4th. I also received the award for best hair in the 60 and over division. Unfortunately, I spent more all of my money when I visited Atlantic City. After gambling most of my earnings, I had to save most of my money for gas.
After arriving in Ft. Wayne, I was famished from not eating in over a day so I stopped at Pizza Hut. The waitress was very hospitable and energetic. After eating my meal (which was excellent), I paid my bill. I then went to the bathroom to wash my hands for the short drive home.
Many years ago as a middle-aged adult, I lost my right hand in an unpleasant experience at a bowling alley. Afterwards I was given a wooden hand, which contains all four fingers and a thumb. None of these fingers are able to bend however. While in the bathroom I removed my right hand and set it down. After I was finished I left the restaurant, accidentally leaving my hand behind.
My right hand is very important to me. Although I do not use it to eat, drive, or play golf, it holds a very special place in my heart. You see, in 1988 I shook the hand of President Ronald Reagan with it. Although he probably doesn't remember that brief moment anymore, I will always remember the second when flesh met wood. I have not washed my right hand since.
Could you please check in the bathroom for my hand? I believe I went into the men's restroom, although I am not certain. The hand is about 7 inches long and made of a rare African wood type. I have been unable to sustain a good night's rest without my hand. Please respond to my letter in my hope that I will again have full function of my wooden right hand. I have been unable to get out of my house because of the recent weather conditions.
Charles R. Holden
Dear Charles Holden,
Thank you for writing us about your missing appendage. Frankly your letter has left me stumped.
Upon receipt of your note, we immediately enlisted all hands in the search. Unfortunately, even though our employees are very handy, the search turned up no sign of the wayward prosthetic. We will maintain a vigilant look our for your hand and hope that it turns up, or at least we can help finger the culprit that may have made off with it. In the mean time don't knuckle under to the temptation to quit searching as we can certainly tell that it is very special to you. In closing I must say that you deserve a hand from all of us for what you must have gone through these last few weeks.
P.S. I must congratulate you on your Best Hair Award at the golf tournament. If you have ever met me you would know why I always admire a good head of hair.