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Friday, April 16, 2010

100 posts.

100 posts. Here we are. Meaning including the 1st post and this post, 98 people have been Sasha-ized. Better than being sodomized if you ask me. Here are some inquiries that just never got a response. But first, here is the first letter I ever wrote from 2004 back before email was around. Back when you had to use a typewriter, physically type out your letter, then put it in an envelope, PAY to send it, and drop it into one of those blue, antiqued boxes that sit at the corner of the block.


Dear Pizza Hut:

I visited your restaurant on January 23 around 7:00 p.m. I was just returning from a fabulous trip on the East Coast. I visited New York where I participated in a golf tournament, making $5,000 for finishing 4th. I also received the award for best hair in the 60 and over division. Unfortunately, I spent more all of my money when I visited Atlantic City. After gambling most of my earnings, I had to save most of my money for gas.

After arriving in Ft. Wayne, I was famished from not eating in over a day so I stopped at Pizza Hut. The waitress was very hospitable and energetic. After eating my meal (which was excellent), I paid my bill. I then went to the bathroom to wash my hands for the short drive home.

Many years ago as a middle-aged adult, I lost my right hand in an unpleasant experience at a bowling alley. Afterwards I was given a wooden hand, which contains all four fingers and a thumb. None of these fingers are able to bend however. While in the bathroom I removed my right hand and set it down. After I was finished I left the restaurant, accidentally leaving my hand behind.

My right hand is very important to me. Although I do not use it to eat, drive, or play golf, it holds a very special place in my heart. You see, in 1988 I shook the hand of President Ronald Reagan with it. Although he probably doesn't remember that brief moment anymore, I will always remember the second when flesh met wood. I have not washed my right hand since.

Could you please check in the bathroom for my hand? I believe I went into the men's restroom, although I am not certain. The hand is about 7 inches long and made of a rare African wood type. I have been unable to sustain a good night's rest without my hand. Please respond to my letter in my hope that I will again have full function of my wooden right hand. I have been unable to get out of my house because of the recent weather conditions.

Charles R. Holden


Dear Charles Holden,

Thank you for writing us about your missing appendage. Frankly your letter has left me stumped.

Upon receipt of your note, we immediately enlisted all hands in the search. Unfortunately, even though our employees are very handy, the search turned up no sign of the wayward prosthetic. We will maintain a vigilant look our for your hand and hope that it turns up, or at least we can help finger the culprit that may have made off with it. In the mean time don't knuckle under to the temptation to quit searching as we can certainly tell that it is very special to you. In closing I must say that you deserve a hand from all of us for what you must have gone through these last few weeks.

Andrew Stack

P.S. I must congratulate you on your Best Hair Award at the golf tournament. If you have ever met me you would know why I always admire a good head of hair.

fromSasha Kaun <>
dateWed, Mar 3, 2010 at 11:08 PM
subjectBroken TV. HELP!!!

Hello Ms. Ajagu,

I hope you are having a wonderful day. I am just contacting you to find out where I can send Purdue my invoice for a broken television. I own a 50 inch Samsung television. I was watching the Indiana/Purdue game and it broke after multiple Purdue female students were shown on the screen. I talked with my neighbor who was showing animals at the 4-H fair last year and had his fence broken by some huge cows. He sent the cow owner the bill and the owner paid for it. Similarly, I would like to have my television replaced. I realize that with HD the picture is much clearer for better or worse, but I would like a fixed television. Let me know who to contact.

I look forward to hearing from you,


fromSasha Kaun <>
dateMon, Feb 1, 2010 at 12:56 AM
subjectSuper Bowl!

Hello Chris,

I am very excited for the Super Bowl. VERY EXCITED. But I am concerned about Dwight Freeney's ankle. However, I have an idea that I think will work. An ankle transplant. I have great ankle (an actual quote from my doctor last yeah). I will give Dwight my good ankle in exchange for his bad ankle. I do not need a good ankle to do my job. I am not an athlete or a postal employee. The healing time is really quick compared to other transplants and would not only give him time to heal, but to practice and prepare for the Saints. If there is anything I want more than Megan Fox, it is for the Colts to win the Super Bowl. With my ankle, I know the Colts will be able to win!

Also, I would like to offer my services as the Colts designated red, challenge flag tosser. I will follow Coach Caldwell around on the sideline with the red challenge flag in hand. When he gives me the nod after a disputed play I will toss the flag onto the field. I will throw the flag very far, landing beside the ref on the opposite side of the field. I can also toss the flag gently if Coach prefers. I will even be able to do my job on Dwight's old, bad ankle. I would hate to lose the Super Bowl because Coach Caldwell didn't toss the flag in time. I have references if you question my flag tossing abilities. Let me know if you want them. I am just glad I can help out the team.

Please let me know if/when you want to proceed with this ideas. Go Colts!

Sasha Kaun


fromSasha Kaun <>
dateMon, Dec 7, 2009 at 5:42 PM
subjectHead Coaching Position

Hello Mr Swarbrick,

I am asking you to consider me to for the position of head coach at the University of Notre Dame. I am a lifelong Notre Dame fan, have a vast knowledge of football, great leadership skills, and I do not like Billy Joel. It is because of these reasons that I believe I would be an ideal candidate. Below, I have listed some of my qualifications.
- Runner-up Division II IURS flag football championship, Stop Snitchin'
- Came up with several masterful plays
- Popularized the lateral to maximize possible yardage as well as the loud "LATERAL" yell
- Caught the only touchdown for Stop Snitchin' in the championship game
- NCAA Head Coach, NCAA Football 2010
- Won multiple championships playing on the hardest level (Heisman)
- 100% graduation rate
- Very little tolerance for skipping class or cheating
- Coached several Heisman winners and many All-Americans

I have the support of many alumni I have spoken to. They all told me that I would be perfect for the position and to contact you directly. Brian Kelly, Jim Harbaugh, Jesus, Bill Parcells or Joe Paterno would all be good choices, but I'm not sure anyone can match the resume I have. Also, I guarantee that I did not O'Leary my resume.

Please respond and let me know that you have read over my resume. It is important to me to know that you have read this and are possibly considering me. I can provide references and letters of recommendation upon request.

Thank you very much and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sasha Kaun


I'm not sure why I didn't get a response. Are people in this post 9/11 economy too busy to reply to an email?! Regardless, they tell me this blog has been viewed by 43 states (screw you Idaho, Wyoming, South Dakota, New Mexico, Maine, Vermont, and Hawaii. No one likes all but one of these states. Represent SD!), the District of Columbia, and 39 other countries including Côte d'lvoire (Africa, I checked. Whaaat, they have computers?!) Do I think they meant to come to this site? Did Chris (we're tight) Columbus mean to land in the Americas? Nope, but he was sure glad he did.

Regardless, you can now follow me on Twitter. Yes, I am tweeting. It's either sashalikessoup or @sashalikessoup I'm not really sure how it works. But you can check it out. So open your mouth and start sucking on my Tweet Teet as I will be supplying warm milky goodness. Bye lovers.

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