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Friday, April 30, 2010

Cincinnati Rail Transit


fromSasha Kaun <>
tomartha.kelly@cincinnati-oh.gov
dateMon, Apr 12, 2010 at 4:42 PM
subjectCincinnati Rail Transit System

Hello Ms. Kelly,

I am writing on behalf of the concerned citizens of Cincinnati. My concern is the lack of mass transportation in the city. Now I know the city has a pretty good bus system which I use, but I am concerned we are falling behind other cities which utilize train transportation. I would love to take a train to work and other activities such as sporting events as it is much quicker than the bus and also better for the environment than driving. Therefore, I suggest a great, radical idea to make Cincinnati the greatest city in the world.

I propose that Kings Island expands to the city. Build roller coasters all throughout the city. Nothing would be like taking a roller coaster to work or to watch the Bengals play (and probably lose). Not only would it be quick, but it would also be thrilling. I know Kings Island season passes are around $75. I would definitely pay that! I would pay much more. Most cities charge around $2 per trip for the train system. Round trip from work each week is $20 which ends up costing commuters nearly $1000 per year on average. I think Kings Island could charge even $500 and it would be worth it. Probably more!

Please let Kings Island build a series of roller coasters all around the city of Cincinnati. This is even better than a rail transit system. It is quicker and more fun. Let's take the "Nasty Nati" out of Cincinnati and add in a "Really Sweet City with Roller Coasters and a Bad Football Team". We could for sure tell New York to "suck it" if we added these roller coasters.

Please let me know what you think.
Sasha

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fromKelly, Martha
toSasha Kaun <>
dateTue, Apr 13, 2010 at 12:58 PM
subjectRE: Cincinnati Rail Transit System

Sasha,


I appreciate your enthusiasm! I don’t particularly like the idea – since I turned 40, roller coasters and I don’t get along!


I completely agree that we are behind in our public transportation offerings, which is why my staff and I have been working on preserving rights of way and roadway space, in line with the Regional Rail Plan, for many years. We have space preserved for some kind of fixed guideway transit (like light rail or bus rapid transit) as part of the I-75 Mill Creek Expressway Project. We are looking to preserve space along I-71. We are also on the team looking at a rail connection from the Transit Center under Second Street to Milford as part of the Eastern Corridor Project. We even finalized a study of the subway tubes to show that they still can be used for modern light rail. It is our hope and plan that all our efforts will be realized some day!


I believe more and more people are coming to recognize the needs for better transportation systems, and we will be ready! But not for roller coasters!


Martha Kelly

Friday, April 16, 2010

100 posts.

100 posts. Here we are. Meaning including the 1st post and this post, 98 people have been Sasha-ized. Better than being sodomized if you ask me. Here are some inquiries that just never got a response. But first, here is the first letter I ever wrote from 2004 back before email was around. Back when you had to use a typewriter, physically type out your letter, then put it in an envelope, PAY to send it, and drop it into one of those blue, antiqued boxes that sit at the corner of the block.

---------------------------------

Dear Pizza Hut:

I visited your restaurant on January 23 around 7:00 p.m. I was just returning from a fabulous trip on the East Coast. I visited New York where I participated in a golf tournament, making $5,000 for finishing 4th. I also received the award for best hair in the 60 and over division. Unfortunately, I spent more all of my money when I visited Atlantic City. After gambling most of my earnings, I had to save most of my money for gas.

After arriving in Ft. Wayne, I was famished from not eating in over a day so I stopped at Pizza Hut. The waitress was very hospitable and energetic. After eating my meal (which was excellent), I paid my bill. I then went to the bathroom to wash my hands for the short drive home.

Many years ago as a middle-aged adult, I lost my right hand in an unpleasant experience at a bowling alley. Afterwards I was given a wooden hand, which contains all four fingers and a thumb. None of these fingers are able to bend however. While in the bathroom I removed my right hand and set it down. After I was finished I left the restaurant, accidentally leaving my hand behind.

My right hand is very important to me. Although I do not use it to eat, drive, or play golf, it holds a very special place in my heart. You see, in 1988 I shook the hand of President Ronald Reagan with it. Although he probably doesn't remember that brief moment anymore, I will always remember the second when flesh met wood. I have not washed my right hand since.

Could you please check in the bathroom for my hand? I believe I went into the men's restroom, although I am not certain. The hand is about 7 inches long and made of a rare African wood type. I have been unable to sustain a good night's rest without my hand. Please respond to my letter in my hope that I will again have full function of my wooden right hand. I have been unable to get out of my house because of the recent weather conditions.

Sincerely,
Charles R. Holden

--

Dear Charles Holden,

Thank you for writing us about your missing appendage. Frankly your letter has left me stumped.

Upon receipt of your note, we immediately enlisted all hands in the search. Unfortunately, even though our employees are very handy, the search turned up no sign of the wayward prosthetic. We will maintain a vigilant look our for your hand and hope that it turns up, or at least we can help finger the culprit that may have made off with it. In the mean time don't knuckle under to the temptation to quit searching as we can certainly tell that it is very special to you. In closing I must say that you deserve a hand from all of us for what you must have gone through these last few weeks.

Sincerely,
Andrew Stack


P.S. I must congratulate you on your Best Hair Award at the golf tournament. If you have ever met me you would know why I always admire a good head of hair.

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fromSasha Kaun <>
tosajagu@purdue.edu
dateWed, Mar 3, 2010 at 11:08 PM
subjectBroken TV. HELP!!!

Hello Ms. Ajagu,

I hope you are having a wonderful day. I am just contacting you to find out where I can send Purdue my invoice for a broken television. I own a 50 inch Samsung television. I was watching the Indiana/Purdue game and it broke after multiple Purdue female students were shown on the screen. I talked with my neighbor who was showing animals at the 4-H fair last year and had his fence broken by some huge cows. He sent the cow owner the bill and the owner paid for it. Similarly, I would like to have my television replaced. I realize that with HD the picture is much clearer for better or worse, but I would like a fixed television. Let me know who to contact.

I look forward to hearing from you,
Sasha

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fromSasha Kaun <>
toCHRIS.POLIAN@colts.nfl.net
dateMon, Feb 1, 2010 at 12:56 AM
subjectSuper Bowl!

Hello Chris,

I am very excited for the Super Bowl. VERY EXCITED. But I am concerned about Dwight Freeney's ankle. However, I have an idea that I think will work. An ankle transplant. I have great ankle (an actual quote from my doctor last yeah). I will give Dwight my good ankle in exchange for his bad ankle. I do not need a good ankle to do my job. I am not an athlete or a postal employee. The healing time is really quick compared to other transplants and would not only give him time to heal, but to practice and prepare for the Saints. If there is anything I want more than Megan Fox, it is for the Colts to win the Super Bowl. With my ankle, I know the Colts will be able to win!

Also, I would like to offer my services as the Colts designated red, challenge flag tosser. I will follow Coach Caldwell around on the sideline with the red challenge flag in hand. When he gives me the nod after a disputed play I will toss the flag onto the field. I will throw the flag very far, landing beside the ref on the opposite side of the field. I can also toss the flag gently if Coach prefers. I will even be able to do my job on Dwight's old, bad ankle. I would hate to lose the Super Bowl because Coach Caldwell didn't toss the flag in time. I have references if you question my flag tossing abilities. Let me know if you want them. I am just glad I can help out the team.

Please let me know if/when you want to proceed with this ideas. Go Colts!

Thanks,
Sasha Kaun

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fromSasha Kaun <>
tojack.b.swarbrick@und.edu
dateMon, Dec 7, 2009 at 5:42 PM
subjectHead Coaching Position

Hello Mr Swarbrick,

I am asking you to consider me to for the position of head coach at the University of Notre Dame. I am a lifelong Notre Dame fan, have a vast knowledge of football, great leadership skills, and I do not like Billy Joel. It is because of these reasons that I believe I would be an ideal candidate. Below, I have listed some of my qualifications.
- Runner-up Division II IURS flag football championship, Stop Snitchin'
- Came up with several masterful plays
- Popularized the lateral to maximize possible yardage as well as the loud "LATERAL" yell
- Caught the only touchdown for Stop Snitchin' in the championship game
- NCAA Head Coach, NCAA Football 2010
- Won multiple championships playing on the hardest level (Heisman)
- 100% graduation rate
- Very little tolerance for skipping class or cheating
- Coached several Heisman winners and many All-Americans

I have the support of many alumni I have spoken to. They all told me that I would be perfect for the position and to contact you directly. Brian Kelly, Jim Harbaugh, Jesus, Bill Parcells or Joe Paterno would all be good choices, but I'm not sure anyone can match the resume I have. Also, I guarantee that I did not O'Leary my resume.

Please respond and let me know that you have read over my resume. It is important to me to know that you have read this and are possibly considering me. I can provide references and letters of recommendation upon request.

Thank you very much and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sasha Kaun

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not sure why I didn't get a response. Are people in this post 9/11 economy too busy to reply to an email?! Regardless, they tell me this blog has been viewed by 43 states (screw you Idaho, Wyoming, South Dakota, New Mexico, Maine, Vermont, and Hawaii. No one likes all but one of these states. Represent SD!), the District of Columbia, and 39 other countries including Côte d'lvoire (Africa, I checked. Whaaat, they have computers?!) Do I think they meant to come to this site? Did Chris (we're tight) Columbus mean to land in the Americas? Nope, but he was sure glad he did.


Regardless, you can now follow me on Twitter. Yes, I am tweeting. It's either sashalikessoup or @sashalikessoup I'm not really sure how it works. But you can check it out. So open your mouth and start sucking on my Tweet Teet as I will be supplying warm milky goodness. Bye lovers.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Monopoly Question

Customer (Sasha Kaun)04/12/2010 09:05 PM
Hello Hasbro,

I am writing this email concerning a game of Monopoly I am playing. I volunteer at a local nursing home every weekday after school. Generally I just keep the residents company. As part of this, I began playing a game of Monopoly with Thelma, Rodger, and Julie. Because I am playing at a nursing home, the play tends to be very slow. We have been playing this particular game for almost 2 weeks. We are all EXTREMELY into this game. However, we have come across and problem and need your assistance.

Julie died earlier today. Now we are very conflicted as to how we are supposed to continue. Do we have to start over? I don't want this because it has taken almost 2 weeks and no one has gone bankrupt yet. Can we let Judy (another resident) play for Julie or do we have to allow a family member of Julie to take her place? Do you think she put it in her will who should take her place in Monopoly? Can you do this?

Please let me know what the official rules are concerning player deaths.

Thanks,
Sasha

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fromHasbro Consumer Affairs
reply-toHasbro Consumer Affairs
tosasha
dateTue, Apr 13, 2010 at 7:51 AM
subjectMonopoly Question [Incident: 100412-000154]

Response (Stephanie)04/13/2010 08:51 AM
Hi Sasha,

Thank you for contacting Hasbro regarding Monopoly.

In response to your inquiry, there are no official rules for this type of situation. You may need to make a house rule; which all the remaining players should agree on.

We want to assure you that we are dedicated to maintaining quality products and service. We hope you and your family will continue to enjoy our products for many years to come.

Again, thank you for contacting us.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Marlins Trade Idea

fromSasha Kaun<>
torfilbert@marlins.com
dateFri, Apr 9, 2010 at 9:51 AM
subjectMarlins Trade Idea

Hello Ms. Filbert,

I am a big Marlins fan. I want nothing more than the Marlins to win. Therefore, I have an idea that could help the team. Trade Hanley Ramirez for the Cincinnati Reds' Great American Ball Park scoreboard. I love Hanley and he is a great player, but nothing helps winning like a great scoreboard. And this is a high tech HD scoreboard! Cincinnati can also send one of their 4 mascots to Florida as well. I vote Gapper. If necessary, maybe the Reds could send a minor league player as well. This benefits both teams. Florida gets a scoreboard for free, a sweet mascot to get the fans fired up, and a player to help them. The Reds get a young shortstop. The Marlins can later move this scoreboard to the new stadium. A win/win/win situation!

Please let you know what you think of my idea. Although I have never been GM of a MLB World Series Champion, I have led "The PEN15 Club" and "Andy likes to Pettitte" to fantasy baseball championships.

I look forward to hearing from you.
Sasha

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


fromRita Filbert
toSasha Kaun <>
dateFri, Apr 9, 2010 at 10:39 AM
subjectRE: Marlins Trade Idea


Dear Sasha:


Thank you for taking the time to offer your ideas. Sounds like you would do well in In-game Entertainment with your novel ideas.


Your scoreboard idea should go to Sun Life Stadium Operations; the Marlins are not part of that organization. As for the Mascot, we like Billy.


Thank you again so much and enjoy the baseball season !!


Rita Filbert



Rita Filbert

Florida Marlins, L.P.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


fromSasha Kaun<>
toRita Filbert
dateFri, Apr 9, 2010 at 11:40 AM
subjectRe: Marlins Trade Idea


Ms. Filbert,


If this is an offer to be in charge of In-game Entertainment, I accept! I previously worked with the Fort Wayne Tin Caps (an affiliate of the San Diego Padres). In addition to being the Tin Caps mascot "Johnny Appleseed", I planted apple seeds all over the outfield. I also had a trick using peanut butter, dynamite, and a helicopter. I don't want to give away too much, but the fans went crazy!

I agree that Billy is a great mascot, but math says another mascot will help the Marlins. The Reds have 4 mascots and have won 5 World Series championships. The Marlins have one mascot and have only won 2 World Series championships. Meanwhile, the Cubs have no mascot and haven't won a World Series in 101 years. Therefore, math says more mascots = more World Series championships. This is why the Dolphins had to find Snowflake before the Super Bowl. Same principles!

Just off the top of my head, in addition to acquiring the Reds' scoreboard, Gapper mascot, and a minor league player, I have come up with a couple other ideas:
1. Scoreboard night - Come to the Ballpark and check out our new HD scoreboard. Fans get their picture taken when they enter and then their faces are put on funny pictures like guys faces on girls in bikinis or a picture of Dick Cheney giving a fan the business.
2. Nickelback Demolition Night - Inspired by the Disco demolition night, fans will be encouraged to destroy their Nickelback albums following the game.
3. Tiger Woods Night - Fans bringing their mistress will receive the second ticket for half price. Free if they also bring their wife!

Please let me know what you think of these ideas and when you would like me to start full-time.
Sasha

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

fromRita Filbert
toSasha Kaun <>
dateFri, Apr 9, 2010 at 12:56 PM
subjectRE: Marlins Trade Idea


It was not an offer of employment.


Thank you.



Rita Filbert

Executive Assistant, Baseball Operations

Florida Marlins, L.P.

P: 305-626-7405


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fromSasha Kaun<>
toRita Filbert
dateFri, Apr 9, 2010 at 1:40 PM
subjectRe: Marlins Trade Idea


Ms. Filbert,


I am sorry. I mistook your words as an offer of employment. However, I will need to ask that you return the following to me: Scoreboard night, Nickelback Demolition night, Tiger Woods night. Please return them by 4pm today.


Thank you,
Sasha

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


fromRita Filbert
toSasha Kaun <>
dateFri, Apr 9, 2010 at 1:44 PM
subjectRE: Marlins Trade Idea

Ms. Filbert,

If this is an offer to be in charge of In-game Entertainment, I accept! I previously worked with the Fort Wayne Tin Caps (an affiliate of the San Diego Padres). In addition to being the Tin Caps mascot "Johnny Appleseed", I planted apple seeds all over the outfield. I also had a trick using peanut butter, dynamite, and a helicopter. I don't want to give away too much, but the fans went crazy!

I agree that Billy is a great mascot, but math says another mascot will help the Marlins. The Reds have 4 mascots and have won 5 World Series championships. The Marlins have one mascot and have only won 2 World Series championships. Meanwhile, the Cubs have no mascot and haven't won a World Series in 101 years. Therefore, math says more mascots = more World Series championships. This is why the Dolphins had to find Snowflake before the Super Bowl. Same principles!

Just off the top of my head, in addition to acquiring the Reds' scoreboard, Gapper mascot, and a minor league player, I have come up with a couple other ideas:

1. Scoreboard night - Come to the Ballpark and check out our new HD scoreboard. Fans get their picture taken when they enter and then their faces are put on funny pictures like guys faces on girls in bikinis or a picture of Dick Cheney giving a fan the business.

2. Nickelback Demolition Night - Inspired by the Disco demolition night, fans will be encouraged to destroy their Nickelback albums following the game.

3. Tiger Woods Night - Fans bringing their mistress will receive the second ticket for half price. Free if they also bring their wife!

Please let me know what you think of these ideas and when you would like me to start full-time.

Sasha

Friday, April 9, 2010

Teachers Aid

fromSasha Kaun
tocie@integraleducation.org
dateTue, Feb 23, 2010 at 8:42 PM
subjectTeachers Aid

Hello,

I am writing this letter regarding the teaching position that is posted online. I am very interested in the position and feel I would be an excellent fit. Speaking honestly, it is very refreshing that you are willing to hire a teacher specifically required to have AIDS. You don't know how many times I have been rejected from a position when I reveal my disease. I will admit that one time I was careless with a young Irish lover named Conor, but I have definitely learned my lesson from the mistake and am just trying to put the pieces of my life back together. People make mistakes and learn their lesson. I am no exception. I can be a valuable role model for the children.

Please let me know where I should send my resume. I taught middle school math and history for 7 years and worked as a teacher at a pre-school for 4 years. I was twice elected teacher of the year at my middle school and was the faculty supervisor for Math Club. Not once did I ever become romantically involved with a student. This also applies to my work at the pre-school.

Again, I am very interested in the Teachers (AIDS) position and feel I am very well qualified. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sasha

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fromNancy Walsh
toSasha Kaun <>
cccie@integraleducation.org
dateWed, Feb 24, 2010 at 11:42 AM
subjectRe: [CIE] Teachers Aid


Sasha,

Thank you for your interest in the Teacher Aide position at Rainbow Kids Integral Preschool. We do appreciate your interest.

The position has been filled.

Nancy Walsh
Director
Rainbow Kids Integral Preschool