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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

McLeon County Jail

fromSasha Kaun
dateTue, Aug 18, 2009 at 1:32 PM
subjectMcLeon County Jail

Sheriff Emery,

I have heard that it is impossible to escape from your jail and that many have tried, but none have succeeded. I am Twark the Terrific Terrible. For I am terrific and terrible all at the same time. Also, I am a twark. My father was a twark. His father was a twark. His father was a yenner, but his father was a twark. As you can see, twarking runs in the family.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am really good at getting out of tight spaces. I am 4'11" and 219 pounds (I did weigh less, but I overindulged on Grandmother's kolachi during Easter dinner). Don't worry, I will shed the pounds in no time. Once some strangers put me in their trunk and drove towards the river where they were going to see if I floated. However, I escaped during the drive without them noticing. I went to McDonalds to celebrate. For I am Twark the Terrific Terrible. Another time I was locked into a closet by mistake. There were 19 of us in this closet and many, believing none of us would ever get out and eventually die, began to panic. However, my talent came in very handy and I was able to get out in no time. I then went to Denny's and got pancakes. Like I said, I am really good at getting out of tight spaces. I can fit in air vents and almost every major appliance.

I would like to be locked into jail on September 19, 2009 in the evening. Don't worry about feeding me, I will eat a heavy lunch. I do not expect any special treatment. Please place me in the most confined area. Do you hand out mixed nuts to prisoners? You will not even know I am there. By the time the sun rises on the 20th, I will be gone. For I am Twark the Terrible Terrific. This is what I specialize in. Do you have a Dairy Queen in town? What about a railroad? Please let me know if this date will work for you. If not, let me know what day I should expect to visit. I am very busy getting out of tight places. I like dancing so I will be able to help you make your jail impossible to escape from. Just like Denzel Washington helping the drug force at the end of American Gangster. Did you like that movie? I did. Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sasha Kaun
(Twark the Terrible Terrific)


fromEmery, Mike
toSasha Kaun
dateTue, Aug 18, 2009 at 3:54 PM
subjectRE: McLeon County Jail


Thank you for this communication and concern for the security of the McLean County Detention Facility. Based on the Illinois Department of Corrections Jail Standards your services are not required.


Sheriff Emery

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