A chat about a virus...

Please wait for the next available representative…
Sasha: I believe I may have gotten a virus.
You are next in queue. We will be with you in just a moment.
Ilya: Hi, my name is Ryan. Please hold on a moment while I review your problem. I will be with you shortly.
Ilya: hi. What is the virus doing to your computer?
Sasha: Well, I tried downloading Chumbawamba's Greatest Hits album.
Sasha: I didn't realize it at the time, but I think it is here that my computer got the virus
Ilya: hmm
Sasha: Before I knew it, my computer was completely infected by the virus. The computer symptoms would very typical. It ran slower, had more pop-ups, and would suddenly freeze up without warning.
Ilya: sure
Ilya: we can help with that
Sasha: good
Sasha: also, I was spending so much time trying to help my computer, I believe the virus has spread to me.
Sasha: what can I do to get rid of the virus?
Ilya: where are you locateD?
Ilya: stop downloading bad music :)?
Sasha: what do you mean?
Ilya: chumbawumba is very prone to infecting people
Sasha: you mean with awesomeness?
Ilya: well maybe
Ilya: do you feel awesome?
Ilya: does your computer feel awesome?
Sasha: no
Sasha: suddenly, I am feeling ill, vomiting, with a fever of 102. I usually don't get sick by simple human viruses, but I believe I got this virus because my body had not built an immunity to this computer virus.
Ilya: i see
Ilya: hmm that sounds like windows herpes
Ilya: has your computer had any unprotected networking with other computers?
Sasha: oh no. is that bad?
Sasha: i don't think so
Sasha: i've had some unprotected networking with other humans since i downloaded chumbawumba
Ilya: hmm that could be it
Ilya: that's really out of my realm of expertise
Ilya: it could jsut be coincidental
Sasha: it didn't happen when i downloaded the Best of Vanilla Ice
Sasha: and i never get sick from simple human diseases. that's why I think I am stricken with a computer virus
Ilya: hmm
Ilya: i'm surprised you're still alive
Ilya: normally best of vanilla ice has a 90% mortality rate
Ilya: have you checked
Ilya: maybe you're not human
Sasha: should i see a human doctor or a computer doctor?
Ilya: have you checked to see if you're a computer?
Ilya: hmm
Ilya: probably a computer doctor
Ilya: see if you can reboot yourself
Sasha: how?
Ilya: if you can - you're a computer
Sasha: what do i do?
Ilya: is there anything you can press and hold down for 4 seconds?
Sasha: i can hold a lot of things for more than four seconds
Sasha: anything in particular?
Ilya: see if you can press on your belly button for 4 seconds
Ilya: if you pass out then you're a computer
Sasha: i have an inny - does that matter?
Sasha: do you have an inny or an outty?
Ilya: hmm
Ilya: hmmm well if you were a computer u'd have an outtie
Ilya: i recommend a computer doctor
Ilya: maybe your switch is broken
Ilya: you should get it converted to an outtie
Sasha: so how did i get a computer virus? is this like humans getting flu from a pig?
Sasha: i'm so confused!
Ilya: did you have any unprotected networking with it?
Sasha: with my computer or with other humans?
Ilya: did you stick anything in the cup holder?
Ilya: computer
Sasha: what cup holder? computers have cup holders now?!
Ilya: or mabye with other humans while being NEXT to the computer
Ilya: the thing that slides out
Ilya: it also plays cd's/dvd's
Sasha: sometimes i put my teen wolf dvd in and watch it
Ilya: have you played 'The Big Lebowski' or any Kevin Smith movies on it lately?
Sasha: do you think if i get rid of the virus on my computer, I can get rid of it from myself?
Ilya: that's another major cause
Ilya: probably not
Ilya: in fact you could give it back to the computer
Ilya: also
Ilya: i strongly suspect YOU gave the virus to the computer
Sasha: oh no!
Sasha: no i haven't watched The Big Lebowski or any Kevin Smith movies lately
Sasha: the last movie I watched on it was From Justin to Kelly
Ilya: also I would refrain from playing hackie sack, hanging 'scarface' posters up, or doing anything emo
Sasha: i was supposed to go out dancing tonight
Sasha: i was supposed to go out dancing tonight
Sasha: do you think i could infect my friends?
Ilya: sorry justin to kelly is not in my database
Ilya: sorry justin to kelly is not in my database
Sasha: what?!?!
Sasha: are you kidding?!
Sasha: one of the greatest movies of our generation
Sasha: kelly clarkson and justin guarini!
Ilya: i would refrain from dancing
Ilya: for the time being
Ilya: also i would use protection when networking with other humans
Ilya: maybe have some soup as well
Ilya: you like soup right?
Sasha: what types of networking should i use protection
Sasha: i prefer it
Ilya: both missionary and oral networking
Sasha: ok sounds good
Sasha: what are you doing later? want to hang out?
Ilya: I'm not in chicago
Ilya: i wish i could :(
Sasha: do you think some soup would help with my sickness?
Ilya: err i'm not in SCHAUMBURG
Ilya: maybe
Ilya: maybe binary alphabet soup
Ilya: or you could just sprinkle some 1's into cheerios
Ilya: that would work too
Sasha: you're crazy!
Ilya: i'm sorry you feel that way
Sasha: you're crazy!
Ilya: ok I need to go now
Ilya: our time is up
Ilya: i hope this has been helpful
Sasha: wow, you are just like a prostitute
Sasha: times up! next customer!
Sasha: you have been a help! thanks!
Ilya: well I do need to eat
Sasha: you're crazy!
Ilya: any time
Ilya: *** Left the conversation ***

Piquods Pizza AGAIN

	from	Sasha Kaun
to		michelle@pequodspizza.com
date		Thu, Jul 16, 2009 at 5:50 PM
subject		Piquods Pizza AGAIN

Hello,

I am AGAIN writing to apply for the position of dough maker. I excel at making dough. It is one of the few things I do well.

You see, many years ago I lost most functionality of my hand in an unfortunate revolving door incident. Total repair was not an option so instead of living with a disfigured hand the rest of my life, I decided to have a hook implanted instead. I have always been infatuated with pirates so I quite enjoyed being fitted for my hook. Most days I dress like Captain Hook. I have been involved in many carnivals, re-enactments, and Bar Mitzvahs. Although I do have to wear a mask when I sleep to keep from gouging my eyes out, my life has been pretty pleasant.

However, in this post 9/11 economy, people are not spending as much money as previously on garishly dressed men (even with the hook!). Money has been a little tight around my house. Therefore, I would like to apply for the position of making dough. I can use my hook to my advantage over normal two-handed humans. I make great dough! Please hire me! You KNEAD me!

Can I wear my pirate costume while making the dough? I think this would be a great addition to the restaurant. I will even talk like a pirate. ARRRRRRRRRight?

Please let me know what the next step will be. I look forward to hearing from you AGAIN.

Thank you,
Sasha Kaun

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	from	michelle@pequodspizza.com
to		Sasha Kaun
date		Fri, Jul 17, 2009 at 2:55 PM
subject		Re: Piquods Pizza AGAIN

STOP ALREADY!!