A chat about a virus...

Please wait for the next available representative…
Sasha: I believe I may have gotten a virus.
You are next in queue. We will be with you in just a moment.
Ilya: Hi, my name is Ryan. Please hold on a moment while I review your problem. I will be with you shortly.
Ilya: hi. What is the virus doing to your computer?
Sasha: Well, I tried downloading Chumbawamba's Greatest Hits album.
Sasha: I didn't realize it at the time, but I think it is here that my computer got the virus
Ilya: hmm
Sasha: Before I knew it, my computer was completely infected by the virus. The computer symptoms would very typical. It ran slower, had more pop-ups, and would suddenly freeze up without warning.
Ilya: sure
Ilya: we can help with that
Sasha: good
Sasha: also, I was spending so much time trying to help my computer, I believe the virus has spread to me.
Sasha: what can I do to get rid of the virus?
Ilya: where are you locateD?
Ilya: stop downloading bad music :)?
Sasha: what do you mean?
Ilya: chumbawumba is very prone to infecting people
Sasha: you mean with awesomeness?
Ilya: well maybe
Ilya: do you feel awesome?
Ilya: does your computer feel awesome?
Sasha: no
Sasha: suddenly, I am feeling ill, vomiting, with a fever of 102. I usually don't get sick by simple human viruses, but I believe I got this virus because my body had not built an immunity to this computer virus.
Ilya: i see
Ilya: hmm that sounds like windows herpes
Ilya: has your computer had any unprotected networking with other computers?
Sasha: oh no. is that bad?
Sasha: i don't think so
Sasha: i've had some unprotected networking with other humans since i downloaded chumbawumba
Ilya: hmm that could be it
Ilya: that's really out of my realm of expertise
Ilya: it could jsut be coincidental
Sasha: it didn't happen when i downloaded the Best of Vanilla Ice
Sasha: and i never get sick from simple human diseases. that's why I think I am stricken with a computer virus
Ilya: hmm
Ilya: i'm surprised you're still alive
Ilya: normally best of vanilla ice has a 90% mortality rate
Ilya: have you checked
Ilya: maybe you're not human
Sasha: should i see a human doctor or a computer doctor?
Ilya: have you checked to see if you're a computer?
Ilya: hmm
Ilya: probably a computer doctor
Ilya: see if you can reboot yourself
Sasha: how?
Ilya: if you can - you're a computer
Sasha: what do i do?
Ilya: is there anything you can press and hold down for 4 seconds?
Sasha: i can hold a lot of things for more than four seconds
Sasha: anything in particular?
Ilya: see if you can press on your belly button for 4 seconds
Ilya: if you pass out then you're a computer
Sasha: i have an inny - does that matter?
Sasha: do you have an inny or an outty?
Ilya: hmm
Ilya: hmmm well if you were a computer u'd have an outtie
Ilya: i recommend a computer doctor
Ilya: maybe your switch is broken
Ilya: you should get it converted to an outtie
Sasha: so how did i get a computer virus? is this like humans getting flu from a pig?
Sasha: i'm so confused!
Ilya: did you have any unprotected networking with it?
Sasha: with my computer or with other humans?
Ilya: did you stick anything in the cup holder?
Ilya: computer
Sasha: what cup holder? computers have cup holders now?!
Ilya: or mabye with other humans while being NEXT to the computer
Ilya: the thing that slides out
Ilya: it also plays cd's/dvd's
Sasha: sometimes i put my teen wolf dvd in and watch it
Ilya: have you played 'The Big Lebowski' or any Kevin Smith movies on it lately?
Sasha: do you think if i get rid of the virus on my computer, I can get rid of it from myself?
Ilya: that's another major cause
Ilya: probably not
Ilya: in fact you could give it back to the computer
Ilya: also
Ilya: i strongly suspect YOU gave the virus to the computer
Sasha: oh no!
Sasha: no i haven't watched The Big Lebowski or any Kevin Smith movies lately
Sasha: the last movie I watched on it was From Justin to Kelly
Ilya: also I would refrain from playing hackie sack, hanging 'scarface' posters up, or doing anything emo
Sasha: i was supposed to go out dancing tonight
Sasha: i was supposed to go out dancing tonight
Sasha: do you think i could infect my friends?
Ilya: sorry justin to kelly is not in my database
Ilya: sorry justin to kelly is not in my database
Sasha: what?!?!
Sasha: are you kidding?!
Sasha: one of the greatest movies of our generation
Sasha: kelly clarkson and justin guarini!
Ilya: i would refrain from dancing
Ilya: for the time being
Ilya: also i would use protection when networking with other humans
Ilya: maybe have some soup as well
Ilya: you like soup right?
Sasha: what types of networking should i use protection
Sasha: i prefer it
Ilya: both missionary and oral networking
Sasha: ok sounds good
Sasha: what are you doing later? want to hang out?
Ilya: I'm not in chicago
Ilya: i wish i could :(
Sasha: do you think some soup would help with my sickness?
Ilya: err i'm not in SCHAUMBURG
Ilya: maybe
Ilya: maybe binary alphabet soup
Ilya: or you could just sprinkle some 1's into cheerios
Ilya: that would work too
Sasha: you're crazy!
Ilya: i'm sorry you feel that way
Sasha: you're crazy!
Ilya: ok I need to go now
Ilya: our time is up
Ilya: i hope this has been helpful
Sasha: wow, you are just like a prostitute
Sasha: times up! next customer!
Sasha: you have been a help! thanks!
Ilya: well I do need to eat
Sasha: you're crazy!
Ilya: any time
Ilya: *** Left the conversation ***

Piquods Pizza AGAIN

	from	Sasha Kaun
to		michelle@pequodspizza.com
date		Thu, Jul 16, 2009 at 5:50 PM
subject		Piquods Pizza AGAIN

Hello,

I am AGAIN writing to apply for the position of dough maker. I excel at making dough. It is one of the few things I do well.

You see, many years ago I lost most functionality of my hand in an unfortunate revolving door incident. Total repair was not an option so instead of living with a disfigured hand the rest of my life, I decided to have a hook implanted instead. I have always been infatuated with pirates so I quite enjoyed being fitted for my hook. Most days I dress like Captain Hook. I have been involved in many carnivals, re-enactments, and Bar Mitzvahs. Although I do have to wear a mask when I sleep to keep from gouging my eyes out, my life has been pretty pleasant.

However, in this post 9/11 economy, people are not spending as much money as previously on garishly dressed men (even with the hook!). Money has been a little tight around my house. Therefore, I would like to apply for the position of making dough. I can use my hook to my advantage over normal two-handed humans. I make great dough! Please hire me! You KNEAD me!

Can I wear my pirate costume while making the dough? I think this would be a great addition to the restaurant. I will even talk like a pirate. ARRRRRRRRRight?

Please let me know what the next step will be. I look forward to hearing from you AGAIN.

Thank you,
Sasha Kaun

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	from	michelle@pequodspizza.com
to		Sasha Kaun
date		Fri, Jul 17, 2009 at 2:55 PM
subject		Re: Piquods Pizza AGAIN

STOP ALREADY!!

Planters' Days 2009 pictures have been posted.

	from	Noel Johnson
to
date		Tue, Jun 23, 2009 at 9:30 PM
subject		Planters' Days 2009 pictures have been posted.

http://www.washingtontourist.com/plantersdays/gallery/

http://www.lewisriver.com/woodland/aroundtown/

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	from	Sasha Kaun
to		Noel Johnson
date		Tue, Jun 23, 2009 at 11:16 PM
subject		Re: Planters' Days 2009 pictures have been posted.

Noel,

I very much enjoyed the pictures that were sent. They remind me of the happiness I enjoyed with a young Vietnamese girl during the war. Ah, the Iraq war. What was it good for?

I had a few questions about some questionable photos that were posted. They are the photos below.
1. The one of Alexander Hamilton sniffing glue.

3. The one of Sean Connery sleeping with Alex Trebek's mother.
4. The one of Peter Pan flying. (How does he do that?)

I believe you should take these photos off the website. Children and perverts look at the pictures.

Please let me know that you have read my complaint and complied.

Thank you,
Sasha

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from	Noel Johnson
to		Sasha Kaun
date		Tue, Jun 23, 2009 at 11:25 PM
subject		Re: Planters' Days 2009 pictures have been posted. Done. Thanks for letting me know ~Noel~

Done. Thanks for letting me know ~Noel~

Shoe Question

from	Sasha Kaun
to		otadam@asics.nl
date		Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 1:57 AM
subject		Shoe Question

Hello,

Do you sell shoes with lasers that will burn the skin of a rhinoceros from over 3 miles away? This is very important to me. It has to be from over 3 miles. What colors do these shoes come in? I would like black, but I would purchase white if they had built-in GPS. I would pay at least $10 for this. I am not sure how many yen that would be, but I am sure it would be sufficient.

Also, do you have shoes that can conceal small baggies?

Please let me know if you have size 13 in both shoe. Perhaps, I could buy 1 shoe with a laser and 1 shoe for smuggling. That would be best. I do not need to lasers.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks,
Sasha

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from	otadam@asics.nl
to		Sasha Kaun
date		Sat, Jun 20, 2009 at 9:40 AM
subject		Re: Shoe Question

Hi Sasha,

sorry no laser shoes this year.

Best regards Andy

Victor Mouse Trap

	from	Sasha Kaun
to		consumercare@woodstream.com
date		Thu, Jun 18, 2009 at 9:35 AM
subject		Victor Mouse Trap

Hello,

I am writing to tell you that I used your Victor Power Kill Mouse Trap.

I used your Victor Power Kill Mouse Trap. It worked very well on killing mice. I really enjoy how it is is designed with an easy set mechanism, an expanded trigger, and powerful kill jaw. This made killing the mice very easy.

However, I do believe there must have been some mistake on the product I purchased. I think you must have accidentally put a cat trap in the mouse trap packaging. Not only did the product catch and kill the mice running around my house, but it also attacked my cat. I came home from the hotel I was meeting someone at only to find Bubbles, my beloved cat, had one of your Victor Power Kill Mouse Traps on its tail. Bubbles was very sad and in much pain. I took him to the veterinarian and luckily amputation was avoided. I thought I had set out a mouse trap, not a cat trap, because that's what the packaging said. And I believed you just like I believed President Nixon when he said, "I am not a crook!".
'
I do not want a refund on my mouse trap or even reimbursement for my medical expenses. I just want you to apologize to Bubbles. She will really appreciate it. She always does.

I will continue to use your fine products. You make the best traps around. I do tell everyone this. I once used your cow trap and was able to get enough milk for my cereal for several days. I do believe this time was an honest mistake with the cat trap.

I look forward to hearing from you and so does Bubbles who would just like an apology.

Thanks,
Sasha

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from	Taylor, Kyle
to		Sasha Kaun
date		Thu, Jun 18, 2009 at 12:00 PM
subject		RE: Victor Mouse Trap

Dear Sasha,

Thank you for your email. I am very sorry that this situation occurred. Please accept our sincere apologies.

Best regards,

Kyle Taylor

Woodstream Corporation

69 North Locust Street

Lititz, PA, 17543

800-800-1819

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	from	Sasha Kaun
to		"Taylor, Kyle"
date		Thu, Jun 18, 2009 at 12:09 PM
subject		Re: Victor Mouse Trap

Kyle,

Please do not apologize to me. I did not have a mouse trap on my tail. Please apologize to Bubbles.

I look forward to hearing your apology to Bubbles.

Thanks,
Sasha

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	from	Taylor, Kyle
to		Sasha Kaun
date		Thu, Jun 18, 2009 at 12:23 PM
subject		RE: Victor Mouse Trap

Dear Sasha,

Please extend our apologies to Bubbles.

Best regards,

Kyle Taylor

Woodstream Corporation

69 North Locust Street

Lititz, PA, 17543

800-800-1819