Birthday party

from	Sasha Kaun <>
to		Rebecca.Villanueva@broncos.nfl.net
date		Mon, Aug 16, 2010 at 9:17 PM
subject		Birthday Party

Hello Rebecca,

My son's 8th birthday party is scheduled for November 6th. I promised him that Tim Tebow would show up at his party. Fortunately, this date falls on the Broncos bye week so I know Tim will be available. Tim is my son's favorite football player. He even recently got the Tim Tebow haircut.

Please tell Tim to contact me so I can give him directions. He will also receive a free lunch (thinking sloppy joe sandwiches or corn-on-the-cob) as well as all the cake and ice cream he wants. I will just need him for "Pin the Heisman Trophy on the Tebow", pinata supervision, and some light recreation. No foreplay will be involved.

Please let me know what I need to do to get in touch with Tim or have him contact me. Also, do you think I should serve sloppy joe or corn-on-the-cob?

Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sasha

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from	Villanueva, Rebecca
to		Sasha Kaun <>
date		Tue, Aug 17, 2010 at 10:15 AM
subject		RE: Birthday Party

We appreciate your wanting Tim to visit your son’s birthday party over weekend in early November. I’m sure it is a very important occasion to your son and your entire family. As much as Tim wishes he could visit every child that is a fan of his it is impossible. His schedule is very demanding and even on BYE weekend’s doesn’t allow for much free time.

I hope you and your family enjoy the November 6^th weekend. If you’d like to provide your son’s name and address we will be certain to mail him some Broncos goodies for his big day.

Thank you.

Rebecca

Bloomington Visit

from	Sasha Kaun <>
to		cvb@visitbloomington.com
date		Sun, Aug 15, 2010 at 7:04 PM
subject		Bloomington visit

Hello,

I am the President of the Bob Seger Fan Club, California chapter. We are huge Bob Seger fans and are always looking to visit museums, tributes, statues, and concert halls in which he performed. As a result, I am planning a group of roughly 100 members to visit Bloomington, IN on October 12-14. We plan to spend two of these days at Night Moves. Have you been there? Do you think this is enough time to spend at Night Moves? We want to get the full experience with lots of interactive exhibits and in-your-face action. Obviously, we are dedicated fans of Bob Seger and want to go all in. We do not have any plans for the final day. Do you have any recommendations? Also, where do you recommend getting hotel reservations?

Please let me know if two days will be enough to get the full experience at Night Moves and what else you recommend.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sasha Kaun

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from	Erin Erdmann
to		"sasha"
date		Tue, Aug 17, 2010 at 8:39 AM
subject		Bloomington Visit

Hi Sasha,

Thank you for taking the time to contact the Bloomington Visitors Center. I have to be completely honest with you however, Night Moves is a gentleman's club. To my knowledge, Bob Seger has never performed in that facility, it simply has the same name as one of his most famous songs.

Furthermore, the weekend of October 14-16 is a home football weekend at Indiana University. Hotel availability is generally limited and the rates are considerably higher because it is a special event weekend.

I hate to burst your balloon on making the trek to Bloomington but felt it necessary to be as honest with you as possible. I'm more than happy to speak with you over the phone if you have any questions. My direct line is 812-355-7723.

Kind Regards,

Erin Erdmann

Bloomington, IN Convention & Visitors Bureau

Right of way question

From: Sasha Kaun
Sent: Monday, April 12, 2010 8:18 PM
To: MICHELLE BOSWELL
Subject: Right of way question

Hello Mayor,

I have a couple quick questions I hope you can answer. I know that cars are supposed to yield to walkers, runners, dogs, etc.
1. Does this also apply to people riding Segways? Do Segway riders have the right of way over automobiles?
2. Do runners and walkers have to right of way over Segways?
3. Do cars yield to people in wheelchairs because we feel sorry for them because they have no legs or because as a car (with 4 wheels) you have to yield to a roller?
4. Does a walker or running have to yield to a handicapped person driving a car because you feel sorry for them or it still the automobile has to yield to the walker or runner?
5. If an automobile is putting a skateboarder from behind does this negate their yielding status so they don't have to automatically yield to walkers and runners?

Please let me know the answers to these questions so I can keep Waterloo safe.

Thanks,
Sasha

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from	Beckman, John
to		sasha
cc		MICHELLE BOSWELL
date		Tue, Apr 13, 2010 at 3:55 PM
subject		FW: Right of way question

Sasha,

The email question you sent to the Mayor was forwarded to me so I could reply.

Segways follow the same rules of the road as bicycles.

It's common courtesy to yield to a wheel chair. However, wheel chairs are not allowed to be used as a means of transportation in the traffic mix.

Handicap people who drive cars yield to pedestrians.

Pulling a skateboarder behind your vehicle is illegal.

Thanks,

Captain Beckman

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from	Sasha Kaun <>
to		"Beckman, John"
date		Tue, Apr 13, 2010 at 11:59 PM
subject		Re: FW: Right of way question

Mr. Beckman,

Thank you for the quick response. One more quick question. Say I was illegally pulling a skateboarder behind my vehicle. Would other vehicles have to yield to me because they would have to yield to the skateboarder? I guess I am just confused if the transitive property applies to the Right of Way!

Please let me know.

Sasha

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from	Beckman, John
to		Sasha Kaun
date		Wed, Apr 14, 2010 at 7:47 AM
subject		RE: FW: Right of way question

Sasha,

As I've already stated, pulling a skateboarder behind your vehicle is illegal. I strongly encourage you or whomever is, or might be thinking of, doing something like this not to do it. That being said, the car and skateboarder become a unit and other vehicles would have to yield, if appropriate, to the car. The car supersedes the skateboarder.

Captain Beckman

Cincinnati Rail Transit

from	Sasha Kaun <>
to		martha.kelly@cincinnati-oh.gov
date		Mon, Apr 12, 2010 at 4:42 PM
subject		Cincinnati Rail Transit System

Hello Ms. Kelly,

I am writing on behalf of the concerned citizens of Cincinnati. My concern is the lack of mass transportation in the city. Now I know the city has a pretty good bus system which I use, but I am concerned we are falling behind other cities which utilize train transportation. I would love to take a train to work and other activities such as sporting events as it is much quicker than the bus and also better for the environment than driving. Therefore, I suggest a great, radical idea to make Cincinnati the greatest city in the world.

I propose that Kings Island expands to the city. Build roller coasters all throughout the city. Nothing would be like taking a roller coaster to work or to watch the Bengals play (and probably lose). Not only would it be quick, but it would also be thrilling. I know Kings Island season passes are around $75. I would definitely pay that! I would pay much more. Most cities charge around $2 per trip for the train system. Round trip from work each week is $20 which ends up costing commuters nearly $1000 per year on average. I think Kings Island could charge even $500 and it would be worth it. Probably more!

Please let Kings Island build a series of roller coasters all around the city of Cincinnati. This is even better than a rail transit system. It is quicker and more fun. Let's take the "Nasty Nati" out of Cincinnati and add in a "Really Sweet City with Roller Coasters and a Bad Football Team". We could for sure tell New York to "suck it" if we added these roller coasters.

Please let me know what you think.

Sasha

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from	Kelly, Martha
to		Sasha Kaun <>
date		Tue, Apr 13, 2010 at 12:58 PM
subject		RE: Cincinnati Rail Transit System

Sasha,

I appreciate your enthusiasm! I don’t particularly like the idea – since I turned 40, roller coasters and I don’t get along!

I completely agree that we are behind in our public transportation offerings, which is why my staff and I have been working on preserving rights of way and roadway space, in line with the Regional Rail Plan, for many years. We have space preserved for some kind of fixed guideway transit (like light rail or bus rapid transit) as part of the I-75 Mill Creek Expressway Project. We are looking to preserve space along I-71. We are also on the team looking at a rail connection from the Transit Center under Second Street to Milford as part of the Eastern Corridor Project. We even finalized a study of the subway tubes to show that they still can be used for modern light rail. It is our hope and plan that all our efforts will be realized some day!

I believe more and more people are coming to recognize the needs for better transportation systems, and we will be ready! But not for roller coasters!

Martha Kelly

100 posts.

100 posts. Here we are. Meaning including the 1st post and this post, 98 people have been Sasha-ized. Better than being sodomized if you ask me. Here are some inquiries that just never got a response. But first, here is the first letter I ever wrote from 2004 back before email was around. Back when you had to use a typewriter, physically type out your letter, then put it in an envelope, PAY to send it, and drop it into one of those blue, antiqued boxes that sit at the corner of the block.

---------------------------------

Dear Pizza Hut:

I visited your restaurant on January 23 around 7:00 p.m. I was just returning from a fabulous trip on the East Coast. I visited New York where I participated in a golf tournament, making $5,000 for finishing 4th. I also received the award for best hair in the 60 and over division. Unfortunately, I spent more all of my money when I visited Atlantic City. After gambling most of my earnings, I had to save most of my money for gas.

After arriving in Ft. Wayne, I was famished from not eating in over a day so I stopped at Pizza Hut. The waitress was very hospitable and energetic. After eating my meal (which was excellent), I paid my bill. I then went to the bathroom to wash my hands for the short drive home.

Many years ago as a middle-aged adult, I lost my right hand in an unpleasant experience at a bowling alley. Afterwards I was given a wooden hand, which contains all four fingers and a thumb. None of these fingers are able to bend however. While in the bathroom I removed my right hand and set it down. After I was finished I left the restaurant, accidentally leaving my hand behind.

My right hand is very important to me. Although I do not use it to eat, drive, or play golf, it holds a very special place in my heart. You see, in 1988 I shook the hand of President Ronald Reagan with it. Although he probably doesn't remember that brief moment anymore, I will always remember the second when flesh met wood. I have not washed my right hand since.

Could you please check in the bathroom for my hand? I believe I went into the men's restroom, although I am not certain. The hand is about 7 inches long and made of a rare African wood type. I have been unable to sustain a good night's rest without my hand. Please respond to my letter in my hope that I will again have full function of my wooden right hand. I have been unable to get out of my house because of the recent weather conditions.

Sincerely,

Charles R. Holden

--

Dear Charles Holden,

Thank you for writing us about your missing appendage. Frankly your letter has left me stumped.

Upon receipt of your note, we immediately enlisted all hands in the search. Unfortunately, even though our employees are very handy, the search turned up no sign of the wayward prosthetic. We will maintain a vigilant look our for your hand and hope that it turns up, or at least we can help finger the culprit that may have made off with it. In the mean time don't knuckle under to the temptation to quit searching as we can certainly tell that it is very special to you. In closing I must say that you deserve a hand from all of us for what you must have gone through these last few weeks.

Sincerely,

Andrew Stack

P.S. I must congratulate you on your Best Hair Award at the golf tournament. If you have ever met me you would know why I always admire a good head of hair.

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from	Sasha Kaun <>
to		sajagu@purdue.edu
date		Wed, Mar 3, 2010 at 11:08 PM
subject		Broken TV. HELP!!!

Hello Ms. Ajagu,

I hope you are having a wonderful day. I am just contacting you to find out where I can send Purdue my invoice for a broken television. I own a 50 inch Samsung television. I was watching the Indiana/Purdue game and it broke after multiple Purdue female students were shown on the screen. I talked with my neighbor who was showing animals at the 4-H fair last year and had his fence broken by some huge cows. He sent the cow owner the bill and the owner paid for it. Similarly, I would like to have my television replaced. I realize that with HD the picture is much clearer for better or worse, but I would like a fixed television. Let me know who to contact.

I look forward to hearing from you,
Sasha

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from	Sasha Kaun <>
to		CHRIS.POLIAN@colts.nfl.net
date		Mon, Feb 1, 2010 at 12:56 AM
subject		Super Bowl!

Hello Chris,

I am very excited for the Super Bowl. VERY EXCITED. But I am concerned about Dwight Freeney's ankle. However, I have an idea that I think will work. An ankle transplant. I have great ankle (an actual quote from my doctor last yeah). I will give Dwight my good ankle in exchange for his bad ankle. I do not need a good ankle to do my job. I am not an athlete or a postal employee. The healing time is really quick compared to other transplants and would not only give him time to heal, but to practice and prepare for the Saints. If there is anything I want more than Megan Fox, it is for the Colts to win the Super Bowl. With my ankle, I know the Colts will be able to win!

Also, I would like to offer my services as the Colts designated red, challenge flag tosser. I will follow Coach Caldwell around on the sideline with the red challenge flag in hand. When he gives me the nod after a disputed play I will toss the flag onto the field. I will throw the flag very far, landing beside the ref on the opposite side of the field. I can also toss the flag gently if Coach prefers. I will even be able to do my job on Dwight's old, bad ankle. I would hate to lose the Super Bowl because Coach Caldwell didn't toss the flag in time. I have references if you question my flag tossing abilities. Let me know if you want them. I am just glad I can help out the team.

Please let me know if/when you want to proceed with this ideas. Go Colts!

Thanks,
Sasha Kaun

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from	Sasha Kaun <>
to		jack.b.swarbrick@und.edu
date		Mon, Dec 7, 2009 at 5:42 PM
subject		Head Coaching Position

Hello Mr Swarbrick,

I am asking you to consider me to for the position of head coach at the University of Notre Dame. I am a lifelong Notre Dame fan, have a vast knowledge of football, great leadership skills, and I do not like Billy Joel. It is because of these reasons that I believe I would be an ideal candidate. Below, I have listed some of my qualifications.
- Runner-up Division II IURS flag football championship, Stop Snitchin'
- Came up with several masterful plays
- Popularized the lateral to maximize possible yardage as well as the loud "LATERAL" yell
- Caught the only touchdown for Stop Snitchin' in the championship game
- NCAA Head Coach, NCAA Football 2010
- Won multiple championships playing on the hardest level (Heisman)
- 100% graduation rate
- Very little tolerance for skipping class or cheating
- Coached several Heisman winners and many All-Americans

I have the support of many alumni I have spoken to. They all told me that I would be perfect for the position and to contact you directly. Brian Kelly, Jim Harbaugh, Jesus, Bill Parcells or Joe Paterno would all be good choices, but I'm not sure anyone can match the resume I have. Also, I guarantee that I did not O'Leary my resume.

Please respond and let me know that you have read over my resume. It is important to me to know that you have read this and are possibly considering me. I can provide references and letters of recommendation upon request.

Thank you very much and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sasha Kaun

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I'm not sure why I didn't get a response. Are people in this post 9/11 economy too busy to reply to an email?! Regardless, they tell me this blog has been viewed by 43 states (screw you Idaho, Wyoming, South Dakota, New Mexico, Maine, Vermont, and Hawaii. No one likes all but one of these states. Represent SD!), the District of Columbia, and 39 other countries including Côte d'lvoire (Africa, I checked. Whaaat, they have computers?!) Do I think they meant to come to this site? Did Chris (we're tight) Columbus mean to land in the Americas? Nope, but he was sure glad he did.

Regardless, you can now follow me on Twitter. Yes, I am tweeting. It's either sashalikessoup or @sashalikessoup I'm not really sure how it works. But you can check it out. So open your mouth and start sucking on my Tweet Teet as I will be supplying warm milky goodness. Bye lovers.

Monopoly Question

Customer (Sasha Kaun)

04/12/2010 09:05 PM

Hello Hasbro, I am writing this email concerning a game of Monopoly I am playing. I volunteer at a local nursing home every weekday after school. Generally I just keep the residents company. As part of this, I began playing a game of Monopoly with Thelma, Rodger, and Julie. Because I am playing at a nursing home, the play tends to be very slow. We have been playing this particular game for almost 2 weeks. We are all EXTREMELY into this game. However, we have come across and problem and need your assistance. Julie died earlier today. Now we are very conflicted as to how we are supposed to continue. Do we have to start over? I don't want this because it has taken almost 2 weeks and no one has gone bankrupt yet. Can we let Judy (another resident) play for Julie or do we have to allow a family member of Julie to take her place? Do you think she put it in her will who should take her place in Monopoly? Can you do this? Please let me know what the official rules are concerning player deaths. Thanks, Sasha ----------------------------------------------------------------------- from Hasbro Consumer Affairs reply-to Hasbro Consumer Affairs to sasha date Tue, Apr 13, 2010 at 7:51 AM subject Monopoly Question [Incident: 100412-000154] Response (Stephanie) 04/13/2010 08:51 AM Hi Sasha, Thank you for contacting Hasbro regarding Monopoly. In response to your inquiry, there are no official rules for this type of situation. You may need to make a house rule; which all the remaining players should agree on. We want to assure you that we are dedicated to maintaining quality products and service. We hope you and your family will continue to enjoy our products for many years to come. Again, thank you for contacting us.